I'VE BEEN GONE FOREVER. And for that, I'm sorry.
To be honest, the past year has been very... odd? Different? Strange? Confusing? But seemingly without sufficient reason??
There have been so many wonderful memories, from my first writers' conference last July to SoCalCWC this June (which I'll plan to tell you ALL ABOUT soon!) to soul-talks with da besties. I've grown stronger as a writer, more willing as a student, more confident as a person. But for some reason, growing has been hard... and there've been times I've felt entirely alone.
Then, this post from Julia @ The Barefoot Gal popped into my inbox. And you guys, I'm pretty sure it was a God moment. 💕
Busyness with school and learning how to drive and college prep and gearing up for job-hunting has just made me feel so tired, so drained. There's the constant fear of the unknown. As Julia put it: "Looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering who you are becoming is the hardest of all."
And sometimes, it feels like it's not my right to be so tired, to feel so empty. When I look at a college student with classes they adore, or a intern who's risen in the ranks, or a stay-at-home mom with a new baby, I remember that I'm young. That my adventure's just beginning. That I shouldn't be afraid, because I have no right to be.
Easier said then done.
And 100%. Not. True.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall.
And I paused. Then I read the full passage. In verses 28-31, Isaiah writes:
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Then Julia's words rang even truer:
"The pressure to succeed is intense. The pressure to be the only you is intense. The pressure to follow your passion or not because that's just emotion that will change... So if you're walking around feeling rather lost and broken, that isn't insanity or something. You just need to thrust yourself into company with people who honestly care about you and are willing to help you refocus... less on yourself and more on God."
On a stormy evening in October, I cracked open Nadine Brandes's latest novel, Fawkes. Last night, I finished it.
Fawkes is a story of truth and healing -- and in so many ways, it felt like God closing the lid on my draining fear. Like a rising whisper in a heavy silence, opening shades in a darkened room, an unspoken question: why have you been afraid?
Now, I think I'm ready to try this blogging thing again.
I so enjoy connecting with you all, and I can't wait to see what the last two months (TWO MONTHS??!!) of 2018 will bring. Yahweh willing, there'll be many more beyond. 💖
❤,
*All scripture quoted above from the NIV Bible.
